Friday, June 8, 2012

The Wedding Story of Life

Tis' the season for showers, bird seed, and floating bubbles. That's right people, it's wedding season. I've recently been asked to be a bridesmaid, something I haven't done in ten years. Believe it or not I'm completely stoked, not because I have a love of teal taffeta, but because I adore the bride. It's an honor to be asked, plus I think this is going to be a really special event for our family. Now after all that warm fuzziness, I have to be honest, my next thought was that I better start hitting the gym. I'm going to be standing next to my cousin who is about as big as my little finger, and the bride who's the "after" of my Jenny Craig commercial.

Weddings offer so many opportunities for entertainment. My cousin drug her father up the aisle and then had a cow moo during the middle of the ceremony. Unfortunately, as guests we sometimes miss the best parts of the event. The story that unfolds later.

During the set-up of my sister-in-law's wedding, her fiance left with the keys to her car. That normally wouldn't be a big deal, except large portions of the decorations were in her trunk. Using good old fashioned American ingenuity, I shimmied through her half open window and folded down the back seat to access the trunk. Yes, this was prior to the birth of my three children.

At that same wedding the groom realized just minutes before the processional that he had forgotten the CD of the bridal march. The home owner scrambled through their limited music collection. Would the bride really walk down the aisle to Wayne Newton? Luckily, I have a freakish obsession with the cannons. I find them relaxing, okay? There was a full disc of wedding music in my car, and it was unlocked.

Some of the most ridiculous wedding moments I've heard of, come from my own wedding. What can I say, I was young and didn't plan well, but it made for a memorable day.

Bubbles were just coming into fashion for weddings, but were still a bit expensive. I was wearing way too much hairspray to let our guests surround us with sparklers. Still, I was not interested in spending hours packing birdseed into tiny little bags. My bright solution? Fill a birdbath with seeds and each guest could grab a handful to toss. Simple enough. I failed to take the groomsmen into account.

My husband's dearest friends lifted the top off the birdbath and dumped the entire thing on our heads. I had to take down my hair on the balcony of our hotel room that night, to shake out the six cups of birdseed trapped in the intricate up-do. It was in our pockets, ears, shoes, anyplace you can think of.

I won't go in to detail about what they did to the car. My car, that my trusting husband left unlocked with the keys in the ignition. It was epic, I'll say that much. Even after a trip to the car wash, it was a conversation starter at every rest area we stopped at on our honeymoon.

With first dances, cake cuttings and socializing with distant family members my husband and I never had time to eat anything at our reception. Never fear, our family took care of us and packed a cooler with all the best snacks and finger foods. When we got to the hotel we were starving and couldn't wait to dig in. Except in all the craziness of leaving the wedding we'd grabbed the wrong cooler. All we had were extra broccoli and carrot sticks that had not been on ice all evening. Not exactly a pleasant smell.

At five minutes till midnight my groom and I rolled into a local McDonald's and super sized ourselves a first matrimonial dinner. I was stilling wearing my hairpiece, and we hadn't cleaned out any of the aforementioned birdseed yet. To say we were stared at would be a mild understatement.

The crowning jewel of the night, however, came right after we left the reception. Tradition holds that when the bride and groom leaves, the rest of the wedding party piles into cars and follows them through town honking, cheering and raising a general commotion. Our wedding party was exceedingly good at this task. As we were ending our rounds through town we passed a gas station where two not-so-distinguished country gentlemen were rolling out of their pick up truck. One looked up and with out missing a beat yelled out "You fool!".

No matter what hysterics take place backstage during your wedding or catastrophes that go seen or unseen by the guests you will be just as married in the end. Best of all you'll have some great stories to tell one day, when you're writing a blog about weddings during the week of your thirteenth anniversary. Who wants a boring "everything was perfect" story to tell?

Life, like our weddings, isn't perfect. That's what makes it a good story. It doesn't matter if you're a millionaire or a pauper. If your house is spotless or a mess. In the end we all meet the same maker, it's just about the story we have to tell.

How interesting is your story going to be?


  1. After our wedding at the temple we were starving, so we went straight to the drive-thru at McDonald's, and I was still in my wedding dress! They gave us free apple pie. :-)

    The reception was the craziest part- the DJ my husband's family hired had been a friend of their family and done all the family weddings. Well, apparently he wasn't available on the night of our wedding so he sent his son in his place. It became clear after awhile that the son had never handled a whole wedding on his own before. He got very confused trying to line us up for our entrance (we pretty much did it ourselves) and then upon mine and Chad's grand entrance he announced Chad's name wrong ("Mr and Mrs. Chris Ross!" instead of "Mr & Mrs Chad Tross"). My groom yelled, "Who's Chris Ross??" Someone sitting closer to the DJ corrected him and we carried on.

    When it came to the cake cutting, I knew I didn't want smashing- that's just immature and inappropriate- but I wanted to tease my new groom a bit. So I took a piece of cake and just dabbed the end of his nose with frosting. Well, he thought he was under attack so he went all out and I got cake smashed all over my face and up my nose. I of course had to defend myself so he got it back.

    Fortunately, the cake was all white, but I did have to go into the bathroom to blow it out my nose.

    Oh, and the DJ didn't have the song for our first dance. A sister-in-law had to run to Wal-Mart and buy the cd.

    Good times!!

  2. Very true Chas. We have plenty of funny stories from our wedding. Dragging Dad down the aisle was probably the most memorable. Mostly b/c EVERYONE saw it :0). To my defense, our rehearasal got rained out the day before so we didn't have any practice - haha! Or, I was just really anxious after a 19 month engagement.

    P.S. You don't need to hit the gym - you will look fantastic on Ash's wedding day :0)

  3. How interesting is my story going to be? All I have to say is ... goats in my living room!